🇬🇧 My relationship with my body

This is a text about my relationship with my body.

I'm Nycka Nunes, digital and cultural nomad and I work as a visual artist, fine art photographer and stylist. As a stylist, I believe that personal style is linked to self-knowledge, personality and lifestyle, and therefore it is impossible to label a personal style. Also, if someone imitates someone else's appearance it goes against the grain of developing a strong personal style.

I've always been skinny. To the point that, at a certain point, I took medicine to whet my appetite. At that time I ate little because the food at my maternal grandmother's house, where I lived, was ugly and bad. Fortunately, at the other grandmother's house, the food was always very tasty.

Nowadays I try to eat well, without exaggerating, and I've learned to understand many of my body's needs.

I am 1.75 m tall. And since I was a teenager I have wide hips, and small breasts. And my body type today is hourglass, because the measurement for body type is shoulders, not breasts. I was never bothered by my breasts or hips. In my early teens it was difficult to find a bikini to buy because most stores in my hometown only sold the two pieces in the same size and I wore a small top and medium panties. Fortunately, there was a shop that made bespoke bikinis. And in adult life the difference ceased to exist.

Because I was bullied by members of my maternal family, having zero privacy, and other intolerable attitudes, I spent my teens thinking I was ugly. When a school friend said that some boy wanted to meet me, I always thought it could only be a joke. I only went to date after leaving my hometown. Before, I didn't think my body was ugly, and I didn't feel pretty either. I understand now that it was mostly because my clothes weren't clothes I liked and I also hated my long hair. The appearance imposed by my family did not represent who I was.

In adult life I continued to be skinny most of the time. Until 2012 my weight was always around 58 kilos. By wearing clothes that reflected my personality and experiencing positive reinforcement around my appearance, I gained self-confidence.

From 2012 until the pandemic, my weight fluctuated a lot - for more and for less - while I struggled against the effects of an extremely traumatic situation I experienced, which was the first step for me to cut ties with my maternal family and with all the people who tried to force me to talk to those people.

During the pandemic, because I stayed at home and greatly reduced my level of physical activity, I gained more than twenty kilos in the first year of the pandemic. Then I lost almost all of the extra weight. This week I'm 64 kilos. My body is more “feminine” than when I weighed 58kg. At 58kg I could easily have an androgynous image. At 64kg my breasts are bigger. Not much, but enough that I couldn't be mistaken for a man. I am happy with my current body. And I like the androgynous body of before.

For a long time I didn't like my droopy eyes. In recent years I have made peace with them. My very thin and long fingers were also a source of discomfort. When I was a teenager, I kept my nails long, because I like red nail polish or dark colours, and my nails, when short, almost disappear due to the proportion with the length of the fingers. I also made peace with that. The non-acceptance of these body parts was an effect of the bullying suffered. When the voice of my abusive relatives died in my head, I came to see myself as beautiful in every detail.

The death of that negative voice was a long process that caused me a lot of pain. In the last stage, it destroyed my physical health, and caused impacts on my appearance, such as weight changes. Right now, the only thing I need to change is my teeth, because it's the only part of my body that reflects the impact of this internal struggle I've overcome.

How are limiting beliefs, inherited from others who don't take care of their own mental health, or self-imposed, affecting you and distancing you from taking better care of yourself? Follow my social media profiles for more content that can inspire you to rebuild yourself and exalt your authenticity.

Nycka Nunes